Relationship's In Recovery

   With Valentine's Day being right around the corner, I thought, what better time than now to discuss relationships in recovery. Not to say that I'm any kind of an expert on the subject because that would be very far from the truth indeed. If anything the opposite would be true, I am barely a novice in the ways of love. I'm a 47-year-old woman who has had quite a few unhealthy relationships during my active addiction days and none at all in my recovery. So, I'm probably the least informed person on the subject of healthy love, but I'm definitely an expert on what an unhealthy, codependent and obsessive relationship is all about.
   The one thing I'm sure of beyond all doubt is that when we come into recovery we are very hurt and vulnerable looking for approval from others and it's very easy for us to fall for another newcomer who is also just as sick as we are. Or we can suddenly find ourselves with these huge crushes on people who have been in the program for a long time. We want to be saved or rescued from our own torment and think that these others who have been sober for years will be just the people to do it. Unfortunately, we realize either by the gentle rejection of that person or through an unhealthy codependent relationship with the other that we are nowhere ready to traverse the arena of love.

   When old-timers (people who have been in recovery for a long time) suggest to us that we should wait at least a year before getting into any serious relationships, they do so for a good reason. Early sobriety is a roller coaster of emotions for someone newly clean. One day we're on top of the world floating along on our pink cloud and the next we are drowning in our sorrows and self-pity. This is certainly the most difficult time for us to be in a relationship with anyone. It's important to remember that we have spent years running away from our feelings and it is during these first few months of sobriety when we need to get in touch with our emotions again. It's too easy for us to use a relationship to replace a drink or a drug. When we learn to take care of our own needs and to love ourselves then after a time it's possible we can learn to do this with another. A wise person once told me, "two sickies don't make a wellie."
  Don't be discouraged, the time will come when you're ready to give and accept the love of another, but until that day comes work on yourself and your recovery and I promise by the time that special someone comes into your life you will be ready.

-Shelly DiPhillipo