When I was a little girl and I lived with my Mom and my sister I remember feeling that special love for my family, you know that love that you reserve only for the people closest to you such as, Moms, Dads, siblings or Grandparents? Little did I know that love would be cut tragically short long before it should have. I'm talking about the separation of a family due to mental illness and suicide. When I was young and naive I imagined my life going in a lot of directions when I grew up. I had those dreams that all children do when they're little about the places I wanted to see, the people I wanted to meet and all the wonderful things I wanted to do. Had I known what was to befall me would it have made a difference? Could I have somehow changed the course of history and in doing so changed the direction my life took?
Some would say our lives are already pre-ordained and others say life is a series of choices and those choices culminate together to bring us to where we are today. I don't know that I agree with either of those statements. I'm more of a believer in making your own destiny, partly through choices, partly through fate and with a little luck and hard work thrown in for good measure. Yes, as babies when we are born into the world we are dealt a certain hand, but that hand does not have to be the deciding factor in your entire life. It's my belief that what you do with that hand your dealt is what makes all the difference. No, you can't pick who you're born to or what happens to you when your too young to do anything about it, but one day you will grow up and those choices we just talked about well they're gonna hit you in the head pretty quickly right out the gate. That's when you get to decide where your life is going to go.
I made some very bad choices in my life in regards to those paths. One of them being drug and alcohol abuse and all the things that go along with addiction. The other bad choice was in regards to relationships. I settled for less in every one of them. Why? Because I believed that was what I deserved. I felt less than so, I settled for less. It took me many years of hard work and recovery to realize my own value. I no longer allow people in my life who hurt me or use me or devalued me in any way shape or form.
When I lost my Mom to suicide I also lost my sister. We were separated and sent to different places and people to live with after the funeral. Everything I knew of love was wrenched away from me at just under 12 years old. Do you have any idea what that does to a person when their whole world and the only two people they love in that world are ripped from them in an instant? I do. I learned to shy away from intimacy and love. I tested anyone I ever grew to care for to see how long it would take for me to drive them away because in my child's mind everyone eventually goes away or they're taken or they just leave or die. I couldn't bond with people, closeness and intimacy made me very uncomfortable and scared me so much, I did everything to avoid it. For many years I confused sex and love. I thought if I gave my body to someone or if someone wanted me in that way they must love me. How very sad that was. Looking back on those years I weep for that girl and for that women.
Even today I don't allow people close to me and it's not just men it's everybody. I don't risk anything so I won't lose anything, but I also don't gain anything. My daughter who is the only thing in my life besides myself that I do love has allowed me to become vulnerable again. That's what love is, after all, allowing yourself to become vulnerable and open to another. After losing so much in my life I've now gained this little ray of hope that is my daughter Isabella. She is my salvation, my way out of the maze I've been lost in and somehow some way I have to be able to show her what a healthy love looks like. So, even though it's scary and I don't want to let people in I keep trying to do it for her sake and maybe just a little, for mine.
