Love Subtracted, Divided and Multiplied.

   When I was a little girl and I lived with my Mom and my sister I remember feeling that special love for my family, you know that love that you reserve only for the people closest to you such as,  Moms, Dads, siblings or Grandparents? Little did I know that love would be cut tragically short long before it should have. I'm talking about the separation of a family due to mental illness and suicide. 
   When I was young and naive I imagined my life going in a lot of directions when I grew up. I had those dreams that all children do when they're little about the places I wanted to see, the people I wanted to meet and all the wonderful things I wanted to do. Had I known what was to befall me would it have made a difference? Could I have somehow changed the course of history and in doing so changed the direction my life took? 
   Some would say our lives are already pre-ordained and others say life is a series of choices and those choices culminate together to bring us to where we are today. I don't know that I agree with either of those statements. I'm more of a believer in making your own destiny, partly through choices, partly through fate and with a little luck and hard work thrown in for good measure. 
   Yes, as babies when we are born into the world we are dealt a certain hand, but that hand does not have to be the deciding factor in your entire life. It's my belief that what you do with that hand your dealt is what makes all the difference. No, you can't pick who you're born to or what happens to you when your too young to do anything about it, but one day you will grow up and those choices we just talked about well they're gonna hit you in the head pretty quickly right out the gate.  That's when you get to decide where your life is going to go. 
   I made some very bad choices in my life in regards to those paths. One of them being drug and alcohol abuse and all the things that go along with addiction. The other bad choice was in regards to relationships. I settled for less in every one of them. Why? Because I believed that was what I deserved. I felt less than so, I settled for less. It took me many years of hard work and recovery to realize my own value. I no longer allow people in my life who hurt me or use me or devalued me in any way shape or form. 
   When I lost my Mom to suicide I also lost my sister. We were separated and sent to different places and people to live with after the funeral. Everything I knew of love was wrenched away from me at just under 12 years old. Do you have any idea what that does to a person when their whole world and the only two people they love in that world are ripped from them in an instant? I do. I learned to shy away from intimacy and love. I tested anyone I ever grew to care for to see how long it would take for me to drive them away because in my child's mind everyone eventually goes away or they're taken or they just leave or die. I couldn't bond with people, closeness and intimacy made me very uncomfortable and scared me so much, I did everything to avoid it. 
   For many years I confused sex and love.  I thought if I gave my body to someone or if someone wanted me in that way they must love me. How very sad that was. Looking back on those years I weep for that girl and for that women.
   Even today I don't allow people close to me and it's not just men it's everybody. I don't risk anything so I won't lose anything, but I also don't gain anything. My daughter who is the only thing in my life besides myself that I do love has allowed me to become vulnerable again. That's what love is, after all, allowing yourself to become vulnerable and open to another. 
   After losing so much in my life I've now gained this little ray of hope that is my daughter Isabella. She is my salvation, my way out of the maze I've been lost in and somehow some way I have to be able to show her what a healthy love looks like. So, even though it's scary and I don't want to let people in I keep trying to do it for her sake and maybe just a little, for mine.

Other Forms Of Recovery

  

  Being an addict and struggling with my own addiction for over 20 years has given me some good insight on the many different forms of recovery out there. In this issue, I would like to discuss a few different ways for people to get and stay in recovery. As they say, "there's more than one way to skin a cat."

  One of the biggest worldwide fellowships that have been around for quite some time and is a tried and true method of getting sober is Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is a 12 step program based on spiritual principles. Founded in 1935 by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith. Other Programs such as Narcotics Anonymous have adopted and adapted AA's 12 steps and traditions for their own use. AA's primary purpose, as stated in their preamble, is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. As of 2016, there are over two million members in Alcoholics Anonymous.

  As you may know, heroin and opioid painkillers are a huge problem in our society today. For the very first time, people are starting to sit up and take notice of the devastating effects that heroin and other opiates like Oxycontin are starting to have on our children, families, and society as a whole. As is often the case, it usually starts with a visit to the Dentist or the Doctors office for an injury followed by a prescription of opiates. When that prescription runs out these people are left with a physical addiction and usually turn to heroin because it's so much cheaper than buying pills on the street.

  One of the ways that opiate addicts find relief from their addiction is with Methadone or Suboxone.They are considered a DRT or drug replacement therapy. With Methadone you will have to go to an outpatient clinic on a daily basis to receive your medication. You will have to give random urine samples or drug swabs to make sure you are remaining drug-free. There are also group and individual therapy sessions which you must attend. If you remain clean long enough you may be able to earn take-home privilege's where you only have to come to the clinic every week or two.

  Suboxone which is a brand name form of Buprenorphine is also considered a DRT but can be prescribed directly from a Dr. at his office. You can get weekly and monthly prescriptions. You will also have random drug screens to make sure you are no longer abusing drugs. Weekly therapy sessions are also a part of your treatment.

  Unlike AA or inpatient treatment through a half-way house, DRT has two different schools of thought in the drug treatment field, those who are for it and those who are against it. It's a very controversial form of treatment and just like heroin and opiate use is a very stigmatized form of treatment. People who are for it believe that it is a way for hardened opiate users to live a normal life. Making it so you won't have to commit crimes to feed your habit. Being able to parent your children, go to work or school. Taking care of your health or any medical problems you may have. For addicts that have not used opiates for that long a goal of eventually weaning from the medication is very likely. However, for others who have struggled with heroin and opiate addiction for years and had ongoing medical, criminal and other problems from their use long-term Methadone maintenance may be the better option.

  Regardless of the method if we choose to find recovery it's what works for you that matters. It may take years for you to find your way to sobriety or you may get it on the first try. What works for one addict or alcoholic may not work for another. Ultimately, it's changing everything about the person you brought into treatment that's going to help you to recover and stay recovered. There's no one right way, it's just the way that works for you.

  Good luck on your journey and I hope you're as blessed in your recovery as I've been. If you've already found sobriety and have managed to maintain it, then congratulations you fought your demons and you won! Just for today, because that's all we're promised. Trust that you can recover "One day at a time"! I know this disease can be beaten because I did it so I know you can too!

Attitude Of Gratitude

      This week I want to discuss gratitude. I think along with desire and change that gratitude is probably one of the biggest reasons I maintain my recovery. Gratitude is something that I didn't really notice during my early months of getting clean. It just kind of caught me by surprise. At times I found myself sitting on the pity pot and when I came out of my stupor I started to realize how much I had  to be grateful for. Who did I think I was feeling bad for myself when there were so many other people worst off than me? The longer I stayed in recovery the more grateful I became. Funny how that works.
   I Googled the definition for the word "Gratitude" and this is what it said: "The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return the kindness." I was most certainly thankful and more than ready to show my appreciation, but that last part I had a little trouble with. "To return the kindness." When I think about returning kindness as a recovering addict, I think about returning what I was given as a newcomer. There's a little-known slogan in the halls of A.A. that says, "you can't keep it if you don't give it away." Showing my gratitude, my thankfulness and returning a kindness that was shown to me is as easy as giving it back. Simple isn't it?
   How do you do that you might say? There are lots of ways to give back and to show your gratitude. Welcoming another newcomer that you see at a meeting by holding a hand out to shake or giving a hug. You could offer your number to a phone list that's going around to help someone that is new and needs contacts. Inviting someone out for coffee after a meeting or it could be as simple as offering a ride home or to the next meeting. There are numerous ways to give back and not every way has to be associated with A.A. either. You could reach out to another member in a group therapy class you attend. Maybe someone else that goes to your church has struggled with getting sober and could use your help. If you look closely I'm sure it won't be too hard to find others who need support when it comes to fighting this disease.

   Without gratitude, you won't remain substance-free for long. I know this from experience. I also know how hard it is when you're still in active addiction to feel any gratitude at all. What could I possibly be thankful for you may ask yourself? If you're alive today, if you woke up and you still have your physical freedom ..well, there's two things right there. The longer you stay sober and the more recovery you retain, the more gratitude you'll feel. I never use to think about gratitude when I was using, when I was homeless or sick, going through withdrawals or getting arrested again. When I was losing or lost so was my gratitude.  My gratitude came back to me when I changed. It came back to me when I was thankful for all I had been given and all I had earned through hard work and determination. I became grateful when others showed me that there was another way and that I didn't have to travel that road alone. I was grateful that there was a place for me and my daughter to be safe while I got sober and found myself again. I was grateful to the counselor's and case managers and other recovering addicts who supported me and believed in me and were invested in my recovery even when I was not. More then anything I'm grateful for a second chance at life. When all hope was lost and I thought I would die an addict alone on the streets, I was shown that it's never too late for anybody to get and stay sober.
    Gratitude is a huge part of maintaining your recovery. I don't believe you can have one without the other. I've tried and it doesn't work. There's another expression that I've heard in the halls of A.A. and it says, "A grateful heart will never use." I think it's true and I know that today my heart is grateful. Is yours?

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Parenting In Recovery

   With Winter break upon us and school being out this week it brings to mind children. Having children in active addiction or in recovery is a big deal. I mean think about it for a minute. These kids are our next generation, our future Dr.'s,  lawyers and politicians. What are they learning from us? Again, I must add a disclaimer that I am not nor have I ever been Mom of the year. I have made some soul-crushing mistakes in my past with choices that have deeply affected myself and my children. Today is a different story, though. I can honestly say that not only am I a good Mom in recovery, but people actually praise my parenting skills today (if they only knew). So let's talk about parenting...
   As addicts in active addiction (I'll speak for myself here) we are the epitome of selfishness. We are the most self-centered and narcissistic people imaginable. Having children in our lives usually does not change this fact and as you probably know in order to be a good parent you have to be selfless. In the midst of our disease, it's nearly impossible for us to be anything even remotely familiar to selfless. Our addiction will not allow us to be anything other than a slave to the getting, finding and using our drug of choice. If you were anything like me, having a child did not get in the way of that. This is not something I'm proud of and I have suffered great shame and remorse over the years for the things I've done and not done as a parent, but I also know that staying stuck in those feelings will not help me or change anything.
   So, what changes for us when we enter recovery? Do we all of a sudden become these great people and parents, employees, friends or siblings? No, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We have a long hard road ahead of us learning what we've either forgot or never knew, to begin with. What I mean when I say that is, some of us grew up in a wonderful family who taught us morals and values from an early age and those things were instilled in us even before our addiction to drugs and alcohol took over our lives. In other cases we were never taught those important life skills by our caretakers, for various reasons so, we are just now in our recovery learning from others or teaching ourselves.
     Parenting our own children can seem like a daunting task when we don't have a clue where to start. Maybe we are very new to recovery like I was when I became a parent again. I was almost 40 years old, with 22 years of active addiction behind me and a couple of failures in my past. I was scared to death to be a parent, but I knew my greatest wish was to be a Mom and to be a wonderful Mom, something I never had. Not only is it our struggle with addiction that interferes with our parenting skills, but also what was handed down to us as children. You can't give what you don't have or never learned or that what was never given to you. I don't blame my Mom for what she lacked in parenting skills. She was only doing what she had been taught by her Mother. Also, coping with a mental illness she was barely able to function in a healthy way for her two daughters.
   In new recovery, we learn there is another way. Not just to get clean, but to live our lives on a daily basis. Giving birth to my daughter in a half-way house for pregnant and parenting women gave me a wonderful opportunity. It enabled me to not only get educated on my addiction and recovery, but I was also afforded the chance to go to parenting classes, read literature and listen to other new Mom's in recovery and how they were able to become good parents while still maintaining their sobriety. I could bond with my daughter in a positive and drug-free environment. I was given the best health care for the two of us, there were case managers and counselors available 24/7 for me to get advice and bounce ideas off. Most of the counselors, case aides and employees in the half-way house were also parents themselves so, I got a unique perspective from them on how I could be a better parent because they had already been there and done that. These ladies were so full of wisdom and serenity and they offered me help willingly and with an open heart. I will be forever grateful for their guidance. To this day I still stay in contact with one of those ladies. She was and still is a power of example to me on what I wanted to attain in my recovery and as a Mother to Isabella...
   Parenting in recovery is not about being the best or being perfect, it's about being better and being there for ourselves and our children. Remember, our babies don't want perfect Mommy's and Dad's they just want parents that show up and that are involved in their lives. They want a healthy Mom and Dad, not a sick one. The best advice I can offer that was so helpful for me is, EDUCATION! Read all the books you can, watch all the shows you can and listen to all the people you can about how they did it. There will be 100 different expert's giving you advice, but in the end, go with what feels right in your gut. There's no one way to be a good parent, but as long as you stay clean and sober, educate yourself on parenting and go with what feels good and right you'll be on the right path I promise.

Relationship's In Recovery

   With Valentine's Day being right around the corner, I thought, what better time than now to discuss relationships in recovery. Not to say that I'm any kind of an expert on the subject because that would be very far from the truth indeed. If anything the opposite would be true, I am barely a novice in the ways of love. I'm a 47-year-old woman who has had quite a few unhealthy relationships during my active addiction days and none at all in my recovery. So, I'm probably the least informed person on the subject of healthy love, but I'm definitely an expert on what an unhealthy, codependent and obsessive relationship is all about.
   The one thing I'm sure of beyond all doubt is that when we come into recovery we are very hurt and vulnerable looking for approval from others and it's very easy for us to fall for another newcomer who is also just as sick as we are. Or we can suddenly find ourselves with these huge crushes on people who have been in the program for a long time. We want to be saved or rescued from our own torment and think that these others who have been sober for years will be just the people to do it. Unfortunately, we realize either by the gentle rejection of that person or through an unhealthy codependent relationship with the other that we are nowhere ready to traverse the arena of love.

   When old-timers (people who have been in recovery for a long time) suggest to us that we should wait at least a year before getting into any serious relationships, they do so for a good reason. Early sobriety is a roller coaster of emotions for someone newly clean. One day we're on top of the world floating along on our pink cloud and the next we are drowning in our sorrows and self-pity. This is certainly the most difficult time for us to be in a relationship with anyone. It's important to remember that we have spent years running away from our feelings and it is during these first few months of sobriety when we need to get in touch with our emotions again. It's too easy for us to use a relationship to replace a drink or a drug. When we learn to take care of our own needs and to love ourselves then after a time it's possible we can learn to do this with another. A wise person once told me, "two sickies don't make a wellie."
  Don't be discouraged, the time will come when you're ready to give and accept the love of another, but until that day comes work on yourself and your recovery and I promise by the time that special someone comes into your life you will be ready.

-Shelly DiPhillipo

The Struggle Is Real

Hello,                                                                             

   My name is Shelly and this is a new blog that I am calling The Addicts Corner. The purpose of this blog is to help other addicts in recovery or addicts who may have not found sobriety yet with different coping skills and mechanisms to help them in their daily lives. I will be sharing some of my personal struggles and what has worked for me in my 8 years of recovery. I will also be posting some ideas that I researched and think may be helpful to you. I am not a one size fits all kind of gal. I know that there is more than one way to skin a cat. What I mean when I say this is that there is not going to be just one way to find recovery. What works for one person may not work for another. Some people may prefer to go the AA route or to practice some kind of 12 step program. While others may find their way of getting and staying sober in Church or through God and religion. Some will get it through meditation and spiritual practices. If it's worked for me or worked for others you will most likely see something written about it here. I'm sure that there will be things I'll miss or maybe never heard of, but I'm hoping that you the readers can fill me in on some of the things that you have tried, know about or that's worked in your life. 
  I hope to get all the information out there that I can to the people who want and need it most. As a lot of you know that deal with addiction on a daily basis, the world is a crazy place people can and will be judgmental, but we have to fight this disease together because people are dying every day all over the world. I believe that every little bit of education helps. This is my goal through writing this blog and I hope you will join me.

                                                           Shelly DiPhillipo