Parenting In Recovery

   With Winter break upon us and school being out this week it brings to mind children. Having children in active addiction or in recovery is a big deal. I mean think about it for a minute. These kids are our next generation, our future Dr.'s,  lawyers and politicians. What are they learning from us? Again, I must add a disclaimer that I am not nor have I ever been Mom of the year. I have made some soul-crushing mistakes in my past with choices that have deeply affected myself and my children. Today is a different story, though. I can honestly say that not only am I a good Mom in recovery, but people actually praise my parenting skills today (if they only knew). So let's talk about parenting...
   As addicts in active addiction (I'll speak for myself here) we are the epitome of selfishness. We are the most self-centered and narcissistic people imaginable. Having children in our lives usually does not change this fact and as you probably know in order to be a good parent you have to be selfless. In the midst of our disease, it's nearly impossible for us to be anything even remotely familiar to selfless. Our addiction will not allow us to be anything other than a slave to the getting, finding and using our drug of choice. If you were anything like me, having a child did not get in the way of that. This is not something I'm proud of and I have suffered great shame and remorse over the years for the things I've done and not done as a parent, but I also know that staying stuck in those feelings will not help me or change anything.
   So, what changes for us when we enter recovery? Do we all of a sudden become these great people and parents, employees, friends or siblings? No, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We have a long hard road ahead of us learning what we've either forgot or never knew, to begin with. What I mean when I say that is, some of us grew up in a wonderful family who taught us morals and values from an early age and those things were instilled in us even before our addiction to drugs and alcohol took over our lives. In other cases we were never taught those important life skills by our caretakers, for various reasons so, we are just now in our recovery learning from others or teaching ourselves.
     Parenting our own children can seem like a daunting task when we don't have a clue where to start. Maybe we are very new to recovery like I was when I became a parent again. I was almost 40 years old, with 22 years of active addiction behind me and a couple of failures in my past. I was scared to death to be a parent, but I knew my greatest wish was to be a Mom and to be a wonderful Mom, something I never had. Not only is it our struggle with addiction that interferes with our parenting skills, but also what was handed down to us as children. You can't give what you don't have or never learned or that what was never given to you. I don't blame my Mom for what she lacked in parenting skills. She was only doing what she had been taught by her Mother. Also, coping with a mental illness she was barely able to function in a healthy way for her two daughters.
   In new recovery, we learn there is another way. Not just to get clean, but to live our lives on a daily basis. Giving birth to my daughter in a half-way house for pregnant and parenting women gave me a wonderful opportunity. It enabled me to not only get educated on my addiction and recovery, but I was also afforded the chance to go to parenting classes, read literature and listen to other new Mom's in recovery and how they were able to become good parents while still maintaining their sobriety. I could bond with my daughter in a positive and drug-free environment. I was given the best health care for the two of us, there were case managers and counselors available 24/7 for me to get advice and bounce ideas off. Most of the counselors, case aides and employees in the half-way house were also parents themselves so, I got a unique perspective from them on how I could be a better parent because they had already been there and done that. These ladies were so full of wisdom and serenity and they offered me help willingly and with an open heart. I will be forever grateful for their guidance. To this day I still stay in contact with one of those ladies. She was and still is a power of example to me on what I wanted to attain in my recovery and as a Mother to Isabella...
   Parenting in recovery is not about being the best or being perfect, it's about being better and being there for ourselves and our children. Remember, our babies don't want perfect Mommy's and Dad's they just want parents that show up and that are involved in their lives. They want a healthy Mom and Dad, not a sick one. The best advice I can offer that was so helpful for me is, EDUCATION! Read all the books you can, watch all the shows you can and listen to all the people you can about how they did it. There will be 100 different expert's giving you advice, but in the end, go with what feels right in your gut. There's no one way to be a good parent, but as long as you stay clean and sober, educate yourself on parenting and go with what feels good and right you'll be on the right path I promise.